Healing Is Not Linear: My Journey with Somatic Experiencing and Trauma Recovery
About a year ago I was taking an Advanced Somatic Experiencing Training and it was all about healing touch. I was partnered with some amazing humans as we explored the healing benefits of SE Touch and how to bring it into my offerings. As I was being a practice client for my partner while laying on the massage table, I felt my body begin to tell my brain to roll to my right involuntarily. I knew what was happening and immediately told my partner that I was not ready and he might want to call a supervisor over to get me out of this experience.
Roughly 15 years ago I was in a life altering car accident. I had multiple complicated breaks and internal injures that I am still recovering from. It ended my professional ballet career and left me with physical, emotional, and mental scars. I have been recovering from this trauma for the past 15 years, seeing doctors, physical therapists, acupuncturist, Rolfers, Somatic Experiencing Practitioners, surgeons, Naturopaths, you name it I have probably seen them. And recently I felt like I had moved through all of the trauma that arose after this event. Oh I was so wrong.
As I lay on that table I found out that my body was still holding onto the need to avoid and move away from the oncoming car so many years ago. So my brain started to tell my body to move and twist. Because I was in a learning environment and I had no idea what this type of discharge would do to my nervous system in that space and time, I asked my partner to stop the process. After I was stabilized and took a break I thought to myself “damn, I thought I was over this”. I was angry, scared, and ashamed. Then I thought, “wait, this is great, my body is telling me it is finally ready to process this and let this go”. And this is what my personal focus has been in my own private sessions with my own Somatic Experiencing Pracitioner have been over the past year. My experience reminded me that healing is not linear and that this type of experience in our healing journey or process is not a regression, but a progression.
I invite your to pay attention to those moments where you feel like you have taken two steps back, or when fear, anxiety or shame show back up in your process. This is your body and brain coming together to possibly tell you it is time to move through this because you have more access to your innate resilience, you have the support you need, or you have peeled back the layers and this is the next step.
I know it was for me.